Shift

So, I’ve decided to take on a side gig slash new business.

Those of you who have known me the longest will either cheer me on or roll your eyes, just as you’ve done every other time I’ve started something new – something that seems completely disconnected from what I’ve been doing prior. Hopefully by now, whether you’re excited to hear what my latest adventure is, or you’re reading this in between sighs and wtf’s, you know that this is what I do. When something interesting pops up, I give it everything I have until it either becomes a part of my life, or it no longer suits me and I either tuck it into a less prominent place in my life or discard it completely.

This year has been a fascinating one. I’m still writing, albeit much more slowly and with less discipline than the last few years. And I’m still raising my kids and finding ways of helping them grow into kind, happy individuals. The cancer monster is still sitting on my shoulder, eager to dig in his claws and remind me that I haven’t yet reached the five-year-cancer-free mark, but I’m healthy. There’ve been a couple of shifts this year that have caused so many ups and downs that it’s been difficult to figure out how to publicly discuss it. I covered some of the changes in my last post, and honestly, the rest is private, but suffice to say it’s been a more…reserved year. My contemplations haven’t driven me to be super public.

For one, despite my enthusiastic declaration in the last post that I can have a great day job and be a writer, writing has slowly become an obligation and a chore. It’s still my passion, and watching it become a chore is the one of the biggest reasons for wanting to try this business idea – while I absolutely love my day job, it’s still a day job, and isn’t allowing much time or mental bandwidth for writing. The time I do have for writing hasn’t been spent writing. It’s been spent feeling guilty for not writing. So when I get a chance to open up my laptop, all of that guilt opens up with it, and I get an angry teenager feeling of, ‘Eff you, I don’t want to do this’, and I slam my laptop closed again.

Which is weird, right?

So a couple of weeks ago, when my friend and neighbor told me that she was feeling a strong pull to talk to me about her home business, it wasn’t just my fierce belief in following those inner voices that made me say, “Okay, I’ll be over after I finish my coffee…” It was a longing for something to change. I miss having my days to myself while the kids are at school, I miss being able to give my kids my full attention when they get home instead of feeling tired and past my limit before I even see them. I miss being able to sit outside in the sun and write, or do the grocery shopping outside of peak hours. I love my day job very much, and the thought of leaving my Montessori kids makes my stomach hurt, but if I’m being completely honest with myself, I’m back to that feeling of just getting through the week. So something has to give.

I don’t know if this particular business is going to be the perfect fit for me or not. So far I love the product, and I love the people, and I believe in both the business model and the company helping to blaze the path of this business model. I’m enjoying the process of going outside of my comfort zones while totally staying within my wheelhouse. If I can find a way to stay coachable and learn from the women who have come before me, while also staying true to who I am and who I want to be, it might just be a great fit. But even if it isn’t, even if I get to the end of the two-month trial I’ve set for myself and I’m not happy with what I’m doing, this is me shifting my attention back to me. This is me looking at how I’m spending my time and being fiercely protective of what my days look like.

Wish me luck 😉