For a myriad of reasons I’ve been revisiting pieces I wrote while I was in cancer treatment. For this Throw-Back Thursday, I’m republishing a short Facebook post from the fall of 2013. I wrote it while I was in the throws of chemo fatigue – when just getting up and crossing a room meant I had to plan out a rest-period to follow. Chemo fatigue makes everything feel like you’re doing it under water.
My gratitude for the things on this list hasn’t waned – the tears still flow just as easily. And as cheesy as it sounds, reading this stuff again renews my fire for wanting to help other people who are still in battle. I’m also coming up on the anniversary of my mastectomy. That day was both a beginning and an end for me – it was the beginning of my treatment, the beginning of my recovery, and the beginning of a new life I would create. It was also the end of Little Bastard’s reign. For all intents and purposes, that is both the day I began my fight and the day I became cancer free. A funny little paradox.
Aaand, without further ado…
5 Things I’m So Grateful For I Cry Thinking About It
1. My mom. My gratitude to her spills over into big fat tears whenever the subject crosses my thoughts. I love all of you, but that woman does more in an hour to make my life bearable than any of you could do in a year. And she’d probably turn around and do it for you too if you really needed her.
2. The cancer survivors in Mom’s exercise class. My mom deals with way more than me on a daily basis. I know you’re probably thinking, hey, you’re doing chemo while raising two kids, that’s huge. But she deals with more than me because she does everything with the fear, strength, terror, and resilience that comes from helping a daughter fight cancer. I pray to every deity out there that I never know that strength. Twice a week my mom gets a couple of hours with people who share their friendship and information, people who offer her their experience, support and laughter in a way that I can’t give her. I’ve only met one of them in person, but my heart bursts with gratitude for every soul in that class.
3. People who work in oncology. At this point I’ve been around a lot of medical folk in a lot of different specialties, and the people in oncology are an incredible breed. From the doctors and PA’s, to the nurses and lab techs, they’re just different. Something about the length of time patients deal with this disease maybe – I’m a short-timer and I’ll be dealing with my recovery for around a year – draws people with empathy and an easy kindness. But an honest kindness, no one snows you or tries to paint a picture that’s prettier than the reality. It’s like, “Yes, this is going to suck. Take my hand and I’ll be here the whole way.” I hope some of that rubs off on me, because that’s the kind of parent I’d like to be.
4. My tears. I know this sounds weird, but hear me out. My dad told me once that his favorite thing about me is that I’m quick to smile. I find anymore that I’m also quick to cry, and I love that. This experience has brought me so much closer to my emotions, and has taught me how to show those emotions even when other people are around. Those of you who know me well know what an achievement THAT is.
5. Time. A couple of weeks ago G’s school was closed for conferences, and he actually got to stay home. He was so excited, and I realized that the freedom I felt when school was closed is something I took for granted growing up. This was his first time to stay home when there was no school – usually he’d just go to daycare because I’d still have to go to work. This extra time I’m getting with my kids, and my lowered stress level from just having enough time in general, is not something I’m taking for granted. Not one minute.
Hugs and blessings to all of you 🙂
KS