In my last post I talked about the dancing asshole in front of the finish line, and how I have this tendency to back away from something right as I’m about to achieve success at it. I’m surprised and pleased at the response I got – it seems to have hit a nerve with more than a few of you out there, and apparently I’m not alone in one of my little quirks. Imagine that.
A few days after I posted that entry I had another revelation about following dreams. You see, I’ve always been a little…unpredictable about my goals and visions – I’ll follow a dream or an idea for a while, then switch gears and go another direction. Or I’ll follow more than one dream at a time. In the past I’ve allowed the people who call that ‘flighty’ to have the floor. I’ve allowed myself to believe that I don’t have any follow-through, I’ve allowed myself to believe that I can’t stick with anything. But that’s bullshit. Yup, I’m saying it. That’s freaking bullshit.
When I have an idea, I like to jump full-force into that idea. I like to do a giant cannonball into the deep end. Once I’ve completely immersed myself in it, once I’ve covered my entire world with the possibility of that idea, then I can tell if it’s something I want to pursue long-term. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. If I don’t, I get out of the pool and find another one to dive into.
Each season also brings in a different set of things I feel passionate about. During the summer I want to do things outside – growing things and soaking up the sun. During winter I want to cook and crochet and write and write until my brain is empty (except my brain is never empty…or quiet). Spring and fall are usually all about cleaning and clearing and preparing. I’m a much happier person if I allow the seasons of the year to influence my behavior – to go with the grain, instead of against the current, so to speak.
This isn’t flighty. This isn’t irresponsible or weak. It isn’t lacking follow-through and it doesn’t make me commitment phobic. It’s just me. I am passionate about every dream I chase, and self-aware enough to recognize when a pursuit is no longer making me happy.
This time last year I was a little lost. I knew I wanted to find a way to stay home with my kids, and I knew I wanted to find something that made my heart happy. By the end of the summer I had discovered I wanted to write. To really write, and to become a published author. Over the course of the year I’ve succeeded – I have seven titles under my name, and numerous blog posts which I’m really proud of. I’ve learned a ton about writing, editing, publishing, marketing…and I’ve learned that parts of being a writer make me deliriously happy, while other parts (namely publishing and marketing) make me want to punch things.
I still write almost every day – I’ve got another self-help book in the works, and two novels being outlined – I have no intention of giving that up. But I’m ready to put something else on the front burner. I’m ready to change my focus and do a cannonball into something else.
This idea stresses me out a bit.
Not because I don’t want to do it, or because I’m afraid of my next pursuit. It stresses me out because I’m scared of what people will say. I’ve put myself out there for the last couple of years, I’ve purposefully made my life much more public than it used to be, which means I get to hear about it when folks have an opinion. Most of the time that’s fine, but at the beginning of following a new dream I’m a little fragile, and susceptible to criticism.
Add to that the fact I’ve made a pretty big deal about being a writer, and that most of my public persona exists because I’m a writer. I’m afraid if I push forward with something else it will make this last year look like a silly exercise, or worse – a failure. I haven’t failed, not by a long shot. My dream was to become a published author, and I’ve done that. Seven times over, actually.
So my revelation last week was this; I am always in the middle of pursuing This Year’s Dream. I always get to choose who I want to be and how I want to spend my time. I get to choose.
I don’t have to give up my identity as a writer in order to put something else on the front burner. I don’t have to give up my identity as a stay-at-home-mom in order to be a writer. I can enjoy being a homemaker one day, a writer the next, and something totally different the day after that. I don’t have to give up any of those identities in order to pursue another one. I get to have them all.
I get to have them all.
The reality I’m looking at right now exists because of yesterday’s work. Everything I have in my life I have because of decisions and choices I made in the past. Tomorrow can look completely different if I want it to. Tomorrow, next week and next year can be an upside down version of today’s reality if I want it to. Hell, it might get turned upside down because of seemingly outside influences anyway, so why not be in the driver’s seat?
This time last year the idea of being a published author was just a seed in my mind. An idea, a dream that felt true to my heart. I had no idea how I would get there, I just knew I wanted to try. This year I have another dream, another goal that excites me and makes me jump up and write down an idea literally in the middle of a sentence about something unrelated.
And that’s pretty dang awesome.
So, this time next year I will have another identity, another hat I can put on and enjoy when the mood strikes me. I’ll probably also have another idea itching at my brain – the seed of next year’s dream will be ready to sprout. Look out folks.
CANNONBALL!!!